Homeschooling Teens: One Mom’s Transition

Nothing could have prepared me for the day that my little elementary homeschool grew up.

Looking back, it feels like it happened overnight, but that isn’t really true. Changes began when my oldest entered middle school and they continued throughout that first year. There was a whole new level of resistance to schoolwork, complaining and dismay about field trips, and whining about crafts and hands-on activities.

What on earth happened?

Where, oh where, did my happy homeschool go?  Oh, where, oh where could it be?

Turns out that I was going to find that happy homeschool again, but it was going to be a bumpy ride.

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Homeschooling Teens: My Backstory

First, a little background.  I was a public school teacher for 5 years before I became a homeschooling mom.

Teaching in a 7th-grade classroom remains one of the most fantastic and emotionally draining memories of my teaching career.  Seventh-grade students are closing the door on their childhood and opening the door to their adulthood.

Every day I engaged their curious minds while laughing at their emerging sense humor and playful antics.  I also monitored their changing emotions, social drama, and parental discord.  As much as I loved it, it took an emotional toll on me and I opted for teaching sixth grade when the opportunity presented itself.

One year.  That is all I lasted as a seventh-grade teacher.

Yet as a homeschool mom, I have to teach seventh grade FOUR TIMES.  I have to survive this radical year of change, growth, hormones, moods and general craziness several. more. times.

And the first time is always the hardest.

That’s the difficult part for Kayleigh, my oldest daughter.  She is the ground breaker, the guinea pig, and the one who teaches me about what is to come.  In 6th grade, she began to close the door on her childhood and I had no idea how much this would impact our homeschool.

NO IDEA.

I spent her seventh-grade year learning and adjusting on the fly while responding in healthy and not so healthy ways as she and I muddled through this transition period.

Now I am here in the midst of a fantastic eighth-grade year looking back on the things I learned.

Homeschooling Teens: Mommy Sadness

I was not prepared for was the emotional loss and sadness I felt when our homeschool began to change.  The elementary school in our home looked like artsy fun, field trips, cuddling with books on the sofa, and days filled with creative, fun play on the floor.

Suddenly, in the midst of this enchanting homeschool environment, a teenage voice began to speak:

• Do I HAVE to go there?  When will we get home?  [about our field trip]
• Can’t I just read this on my own?  [instead of sitting here with you all]
• Do I HAVE to do this?  [the fun artsy craft learning activity mommy planned]
• Can’t I just write a paragraph instead of participating?  [in our fun homeschool groups]
• Do I HAVE to do ALL of this?  [about most anything]

I was crushed.  I was not prepared for this change.  This attitude.  This loss of love for our current homeschool style.

The activities that used to make school “fun” were suddenly uninteresting and my child’s glaring looks made that perfectly clear.

She was redefining her meaning of “fun”.

For seven years our homeschool was a precious place of family-style learning.  Now, one member wanted out.  And I felt crushed.  And lost.  And sad.

It took awhile to acknowledge my grief and give myself time to process it.  But I did it.  Eventually.

Turns out that by accepting how I was feeling, I was able to get a handle on my own reactions.  It was in this space that I learned my next lesson…

Homeschooling Teens: Don’t Take it Personal

This is hard because it feels so personal.  I put a lot of effort into planning field trips, days with friends, and hands-on learning fun.  Her complaints and resistance felt like an attack on my efforts.

Didn’t she appreciate all that I was doing to make school “fun”?  

The temptation to lash out at her or make her feel guilty was strong.  And I admit that I didn’t handle it well at first.

• You’d really rather write a paragraph instead of doing this craft with us?  [said with snark]
• Kids in school would love the chance to go to the art museum instead of sitting in a classroom.  [snark again]
• Fine. Just go read the book on your own later. You don’t have to sit here with us. [snark with a side of attitude]

She didn’t fall for the guilt or attitude I was dishing out.  She would complete her tasks and then head outside to do gymnastics while we did our crafts or read our books.  She was forging her own path and I wasn’t helping.  In fact, my behavior was destructive to our relationship.

Could we find our new groove?  What would school look like during the middle years in our house?  How would I continue to meet her needs and the needs of three elementary school kids in the house?

I had a lot more questions than I had answers but I wasn’t about to give up.

Homeschooling Teens:  Try Something New

I had to try something.  Anything.  So I tried everything.  I grasped for new routines, beneficial changes, and creative ideas to help her find joy in learning again.  Slowly, our new groove began to emerge from the mess.

And this is where it gets a little different for each homeschool family.  Every child is different.  Every mom is different.  There is no one solution for this transition, but there are a few things that worked for us:

1.  I backed off the requirements of our elementary school.  If she didn’t want to do crafts, then she didn’t have to.  I stopped guilting her about this and instead, I helped her plan what she could do while we were doing crafts with friends.

I continually reminded myself that her elementary school experience was complete.  There will always be new activities on Pinterest to try with the kids.  Now, I will attempt them with my younger three kids.  It was time for her to move on.  I had to let it go.

2.  I found things we could still do together.  We started to listen to books on audible after dinner as a whole family. We don’t do it all of the time, but we will make it through a few titles this year.  I discovered CNN Student news and decided that our day would begin together with the news.

We will read and enjoy Shakespeare together in every spring.  Shakespeare is a topic that spans the ages in this house.  Finally, I invested in games for the whole family and I make time to play them.  Codenames is the most recent game playing hit in this house!

2.  I stopped surprising her.  If we were going to go on a surprise field trip or adventure, I talked to her about it ahead of time.  Did she want to come?  Did she want to be home at a certain time? If she didn’t want to join us, what could she do instead?

3.  I began to prioritize her goals.  She was completely committed to becoming a competitive gymnast and wanted to finish school as soon as possible each day so she could practice.  She also wanted time to make videos for her gymnastics Instagram account and YouTube channel.

I learned to treat her goals as important as my goals for her.  I talked with her about our school week ahead of time and planned ample time to for her to practice her skills and make videos.  This helped tremendously.  It was also a huge adjustment as we often did things last minute and now I had to rethink my plans a bit.

4.  We talked about her boredom at home.  This was a huge issue.  She used to spend hours playing pretend with her siblings, but that time was ending.  Sure, she still dipped back into that arena from time to time, but it wasn’t consistent.  She wasn’t an avid reader and showed no signs of wanting to be one (sigh) so piles of books weren’t the solution for her.  We began to brainstorm ways to fill her time.

This year (8th grade) she is on a competitive gymnastics team (9 hours a week at the gym), takes two classes outside of the house, babysits once a week, and volunteers as an aide once a week (for two 10-week sessions of classes).  Just this week she began a “real” job once a week in addition to all of this.  I have learned that busy is better in her case.  She is her momma, so this isn’t shocking.

5.  I helped her design her own educational path.  She didn’t have to do the same things my younger three were doing anymore.  She doesn’t join in our Morning Basket time.  She didn’t study the orchestra with us this year.  (Yes, I had to remind myself more than once that it was OK because she already did that in first grade.)  She doesn’t even always attend Poetry Teatime.

It’s true.  After three years of a weekly Poetry Teatime, she requested a break from it.  She still grabs the yummy snacks, but then she wanders into a different room to do her own thing.  And I don’t guilt her one single bit about it.

6.  I became more of a partner and less of a teacher.  This transition was tough and she was caught between pushing me away and clinging to my help.  I had to give her space and assistance all at the same time.  It’s a tough gig to balance, but I haven’t given up.  Admittedly, some days are smoother than others.

Sometimes I sit with her and help her read a difficult chapter.  I help her find the answers when she asks (mostly). We set up her agenda and organize assignments together.  I look for misplaced lab reports without shaming her.

And I push her a bit when the time is right.  Push her to confidently tackle things on her own.  Cheer her on as she does.  Loudly.

7.  I let her go.  And I let her go again.  And then, I cry.  And I let her go again.  This was so hard for me.   We have studied science and history as a family every single year since we began homeschooling.  We read the same books, took the same field trips, and laughed at the same topics.  And now one student isn’t with us.  Right now.  She isn’t studying World War II with us.

And this huge change is so hard.  I regularly feel a pang in my heart about the division of schooling in our house.  I have to tell myself, “It’s OK.  She did the elementary school thing.  This is good.  Look at her go!  She is rocking 8th grade!”

She is so much happier this year.  She is just blossoming so I know it is good.

But you might have to excuse me while I wipe my eyes. again.  Truth be told, I have already done so twice while writing this.  I’m the blubbering mess of a homeschool mom who is doing the right thing but feeling my heart ache as my baby teaches me about this growing up and letting go thing.

She is halfway through a fantastic eighth-grade year and high school is on the horizon.  I can look back fondly on my old blog, which serves as a record of her elementary school years, and I can confidently say, “It was good.”

And now that we have transitioned to our new routines for her teen years, I can look around confidently, usually with tears in my eyes, and say, “It is still good!”

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Mary Wilson

Mary is a writer and mother to four kids ranging from elementary to high school.

She believes that creativity, laughter, and fun are the backbone for engaging and inspiring homeschools. You can find her encouragement and tips on this blog, Mary Hanna Wilson.

She is an enneagram 7 and an extrovert. She enjoys traveling, tea (iced or hot), good conversations, and books. You can connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.

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